I feel like a hermit, I'm going nuts. Last night I went over to friend's house to watch movies. I felt like talking the whole time; on the way home I did talk the whole time, babbling uncontrollably. I was desperately sad when I walked home from the bus stop because I couldn't keep talking to my friends. Go home and sit quietly for several hours. Rearrange the furniture alone. Go to bed just as boy gets home. Wake up long before boy is up. Go to work, say three sentences all day, go to gym, work out alone, go home, do laundry alone. See boy for an hour or two maybe, or maybe not. Go to bed. That's probably how it will work. I don't know what it is about RIGHT NOW that's different from last month or what, or say four months ago when I actually lived alone, but RIGHT NOW I am feeling like I'm in a fucking bubble. I drop this fact in to conversions and sound like an idiot even to myself, like I'm a cranky housewife whining about how hubby is always off drinking with his model-railroad buddies while I watch the soaps alone or some fucking thing. I don't try to make it all about boy, it's not, he just happens to be my roommate and so the easiest to see. or not see. or whatever. but anyway, it sounds that way.

my interaction with my friends is all about "meets" - we meet in big groups, everyone welcome, or not at all. once a week even is a bit excessive for big gatherings like that. so anyway, I feel so awkward trying to ask people out for lunch or see a movie or whatever; it seems to me like it should be a big deal, okay if I have some deep discussion to have with them or I'm trying to ask them out or something. But not because, you know, it might just be fun, because they're my friends. Bla la la. Going stir crazy. Maybe next month will be better; choir will start anyway. Maybe blood services will finally give me a call. Or maybe they won't. I really want to be in school again; I cruise their calendar looking for something that I could take, even though there's still nothing. Anyway if there were it would be too late to get a seat now.

It's tempting to just start going to school full time as soon as possible, do the student loan thing. Debt, fun. Unnecessary debt, fun. But. Being in school, no matter how un-fun that CAN be. There's people around me all the time. And I could keep normal hours. At a really basic level, that would be so much better. I don't know if it would make me happy, exactly, but it would erase a certain amount of UNhappiness. the echthroi. I X you. I feel like that's slowly happening to me where I am now.