After several days of obsession with Islam, I had become so perturbed that I lay me down prosrate in supplication, arms outstretched, forehead on the floor.

As soon as I closed my eyes, I saw a chalice, the symbol of my creedless, borderline atheist church.

Very funny, god.

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Well, it's a relief anyway. I have serious intellectual and emotional issues with some parts of Islam, yet if I had been answered I'm not sure what I would have done. The feeling has some of the sudden, fervent, but ultimately fleeting qualities of when I decided to be vegan. Except here the consequences would be greater than just changing what I eat and maybe having some friends think I'm a bit of a fruit loop; here there'd be little things like not being able to be alone with boyfriend if HE didn't convert & marry me (ha!), ... well that's the big one. Diet, prayer, that's personal and not a biggie. Friends and family would yes, totally think I was a fruit loop, but I'm sure they're used to it by now. Music, evolution, and the permissability of homosexuality would be big issues, but ones where there's some wiggle room for liberal interpretations in hadith. I could probably even keep going to my church - that sounds crazy, hey? But my creedless church doesn't lay up any gods for worship nor disavow the worship of god; and her name and heritage are all about the oneness of god anyway. And women aren't required to go to mosque.

But my Boy, that would be a dealbreaker. So it's just as well.

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I'm surprised I actually lay down for prayer. I am generally TERRIFIED of opening myself to god, because god might answer me. The only time I went in to a catholic church, I was convinced afterwards that I had the taste of human flesh in my mouth; no amount of toothbrushing would make it go away until it passed on its own. In field school when I was handling human remains with no "protection," before our native liaisons showed us what protection was traditional, my arm, only one arm, went ice cold for a day and didn't warm up until an elder brushed a spirit off - she said she could see a spirit - with a cedar branch.

Those can be fairly easily written off as me being a fruit loop nut job, but even then perhaps you can understand my fear. I am so SUSCEPTIBLE to religion. In the absence of any proof at all I still feel called to do .. something. If the slightest whisper of god's voice made its way to me, what wouldn't I do? I don't know if I am afraid of having my status quo capsized so much as I am afraid that I will be doing the wrong thing, that I would be hurting my family etc. for what might turn out to be just some noodlebrained idea that floated in to my head and may float out again at any moment. How would I know? I could wish for god to be unsubtle, send me a postcard of fire, but huh. On the other hand, who am I to deserve such a miracle? There's this kind of dynamic balance involved in faith. On the one hand, there's the desire to have some proof that your faith is correct, that you believe the right thing, that you are not doing all this crazy shit for no reason. On the other hand, too much confirmation takes away from faith; faith becomes like believing that the sun will rise or that france is in europe - almost involuntary to any but the feeble-minded. Any idiot can be righteous and upstanding if they can see god watching them, fiery brand within reach; it's about as virtuous as refraining from stealing while a security camera is focused on you.

Still, in the absence of proof I am not sure what to do. There are many claims about god's intentions & his preferred china patterns etc. out there, and I'm at a loss as to which might be the right one. About the one piece of clarity out of all this is that I've come to realize (a) that I believe in god (!) and (b) further, that I believe in the oneness of god. Well, maybe the Unitarian church isn't such a bad place for me. A church formed from the belief in the oneness of god, the subsequent conclusion that beyond that they weren't too sure about god's intentions & instructions re: the afterlife, and the final determination that while they weren't giving up on trying to figure that one out, they were in the meantime going to concentrate on doing good works in the present world. That's about where I am, actually. This may be closer to my church 50 years ago than it is now - actual Unitarianism, in the sense of belief in god, belief in one god undivided - is not a focus of the church now, in favour of a sort of pluralistic truce tending to atheism with a significant pagan/mystic minority - but it's probably the closest thing out there.

In itself this is somewhat surprising: I believe in god and I'm not shy about saying it. Hah. Take that, me at age 15. Call it Allah even, "The God," that's okay. It's the second part of the profession of islamic faith I would have trouble with: and I further profess that Mohammed is his prophet. On account of I ain't certain of that at all. He has the advantage over other prophets of existing fairly certainly in history; on the other hand, it's not clear to me at all what side of the line separating "canny and charismatic fellow, unvisited by god but wanting to reform and improve his people" and "divinely visited prophet" he stands on.

Anyway. Orthodox jews say they don't seek converts because there is room in heaven for the righteous of all peoples; that's a comfort, mm? I will take my belief in god and lay aside my agonizing of the details of worship and focus on shit like charity and compassion, yo. Perhaps I will be counted among the righteous when I die, or perhaps not. Maybe I'll get there and that'll be it; god is gone, god never existed, god doesn't believe in micromanagement, god thinks three score and ten is plenty for humans what am I whining about, whatever - in that case charity and compassion are pretty satisfying on their own anyway.

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In other news, I have tried and failed to render in ascii a circus-baby-pirate balancing on a ball. Sorry. Hee.