I have been reading and reading. I find more and more beautiful things about Islam, but become more and more certain it cannot be my path. Things sticking in my craw:

Hell. Gehennom. Whatever. Eternal torment. Aiee, here my universalist streak comes out. How can `God, the Compassionate, the Merciful' condemn people forever? If God has any human attributes at all, compassion, mercy, &c., where can such extremity exist? Maybe he only possesses Justice and has perfected it to the infinite degree that it is never tempered by mercy or love, but ack! How horrible! If God has no human attributes, why would he bother about us at all? Yet perhaps we are like ants to him, and magnifying glasses are no big deal. Any case where hell exists fills me with despair. Suppose I dedicate my life to His service and find at the end of it: hurray heaven! and the knowledge that most of my friends and family are roasting in eternal torment. Uh.. great. If I am happy in such a case, it would require a very drastic change of character. Ungh! In particular the juxtaposition of the extreme harshness of punishment and the extreme lack of clarity (in terms of convincing evidence, clear evidence) of god's will bothers me. I find so little to hang my faith on; yet look at the enormous consequences this insubstantial thing carries.

Homosexuality, condemnation of. Here, something from a website about reform judaism: Homosexuals are god's creation, and Jewish instruction is to love our neighbor as ourselves. That is beautiful. That is not what the holy books say, what any of them say. This is upsetting to me.

Charity for the love of God. I have been reading awestruck accounts of charitable acts done by people for the love of god, and exhortations in the quran to give purely for the love of god. I think the charity is wonderful, and I think it is also good not to be an ostentatious giver - not to do it conspicuously, not to do it for the recognition, whatever whatever. But for god. Maybe out of gratitude for what one has been given, I can understand that. For me personally, though.. giving for love of god seems strange. When I give it's for the love of humans. Giving to earn god's favour seems to make it selfish all over again.

Then again, where do my ideas about selfishness etc. come from? I have these feelings that helping others, being prepared for emergencies, doing one's part for society, etc. are good. Being truthful and trustworthy, being kind and loving, being fair and not being wasteful. For the love of humans, of animals, of nature -- it seems easy enough not to involve god. I am grateful, so grateful to be alive. Grateful for the beauty of, the fact of, the wonder of Creation. But it's not gratitude that moves me to act as I feel is right, exactly; I guess it's love, but not of god - of god's creation, or anyway its corollaries. (Hee, check it out, the human race is a corollary.)

And then the things presented literally in the holy books that I have trouble taking any way but symbolically. Adam and Eve, heaven, etc. If salvation depends on belief in not only god, but his prophets, angels, day of judgement, etc., then I am not fated to be saved. I am honestly not sure how I could be convinced in a way that wouldn't make me suspect myself of psychosis. But understanding that proof is impossible isn't enough either; maybe the books are the best that can be done but they're not enough.

I am back more or less to square one, only a little more troubled.

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But here, some new year's resolutions!

This is a good one I will steal from a friend, if I can talk my roommate in to it: I will buy only free-range / humanely treated meat & eggs.

I will send in my application to pharmacy by January 31st.

I will concentrate on getting through this next semester by studying and getting enough sleep. If that means I don't work out 7 days a week or eat in the caf sometimes or am a few days late dusting the ceiling or whatever, I am not going to stress out or guilt out about it.

I will earn my Donors for Life pin for 2003 by giving blood 4 or more times. Yay!

Here, some happy expectations for the new year! They're more fun than resolutions.

I expect to do well in my courses

I expect to save plenty of money for a house and for school.

I expect to buy an apartment with my boy! This is so exciting.

I expect to get in to pharmacy school - I am a wonderful candidate, by gum.

I expect to start pharmacy school in the fall - how wonderful to go back to school full time!

I expect my cats will meow at me a lot tomorrow morning if I don't get off my butt and go buy more cat food. Good night!