so sleepy! my "8 hours of sleep every night" regime is being seriously derailed. I just can't get to sleep at 9:30. Well, I'm sleepy enough, I just feel grumpy if I turn out the lights before I get a chance to read and talk to boy, etc. Zonk. Time for coffee.

Lab exam today! I haven't studied much, but I'll review my notes on the bus. That's all I did when I took the previous course, and the lab instructor figured I set a record for highest mark ever. Motivation to study: absent.

Later tonight I will do a few buckets of math problems. This whole midterm debacle, instead of turning me off studying (..since it turned out to be worthless...) has instead made me determined to study even more. Increase my moral highground? Insurance for possible retests? Boost my smarmy smartass potential in class? I don't know. That last category is already at dangerously elevated levels because I'm the only student who posts on the web discussion board for my class. I post links to web tutorials, I chat with the teacher about graphs with amusing shapes. Boy suggested a better looking graph than the example the teacher gave in class and I posted it, and he mentioned it in class. Result: I look like the biggest geek ever. So great.

Gah. I hope he has started marking the midterms. And I hope he realizes "uh.. whoah."

Boy suggested I talk to him despite the moratorium on exam-talking. Maybe say something like "I just wanted to make sure you realize that three quarters of the class thinks they failed badly." Because I don't know. If he realizes. But aughhhh. I don't know if I have the balls to do that.

A random paranoia I have collected: maybe he is marking them in alphabetical order, starting with mine, and for a little while is thinking that I am just a big idiot. This is fairly retarded and I am trying not to think about it. Lately I have had the revelation: I don't have to worry about what people are thinking about me, just how they are acting towards me. Does boy's mom secretly hate me? It doesn't matter, because she definitely acts like she loves me. Goodbye idiot paranoia thought! This is harder than just saying that, but that's some serious progress.

I'm so glad I have a palm now. It's such a major anxiety management tool. It's like a big worry doll. I write things down and then I can stop thinking about them. I don't write them in a text file AND a sticky note AND my hand AND email myself at work from home or vice versa AND prepare things 8 days in advance JUST IN CASE. I just write it down once and it reminds me if it has to. It usually doesn't have to, because I have a really good memory, and seriously if I forgot how to type, write, or talk, I would still remember all the things I had coming up for the next year. But anyway. Anxiety management, not anxiety dissolver. Y'know.

Coffee? Aroo?